Friday, September 25, 2015

Tan lines.

I lost my ring.  My favorite, favorite. Even more favorite than the marriage bands, which I have incorporated into my bones. . . but this ring?  I didn't realize how proud I was of it, how much the thing of beauty on my hand had become part of an inner-identity.  Purchased when we were freshly married, it was an astonishment to have on my finger, a plainly beautiful silver ring with unsparkling stones and a creativity of design which garnered compliments from strangers. A touchstone, and now an empty spot that i find surprisingly empty multiple times per day.  In the fall chill, it simply slipped off my bony digits.
It makes me think of so many things;  How plainly I was moved to this, this joining of two human beings... how I stepped so straightly, so solidly forward into a great matrimony.  How clearly it was the right thing to be done, for the world and for our love.
How little I feel able to incorporate hope with its eviltwin fear.  I walk about the house, turning things over... could it be in the compost pile?  maybe its under that sock i moved last week... maybe i inadvertently dropped it in the salvation army bag... should i look? is it in the broiler? When I go to soccer practice again do i search where i was sitting last? do i stop this? will i be looking forever in my house with hope and fear?
It IS just a thing, and it is more, all at once.  Symbols are what they are, and less, and more.
And I am yearning so, for Hope. yearning, keening, wishing, leaning.  and it is hard, very hard, to yearn for something when the scarecrow flap of fear is so constantly partnered with it.  It would seem to make sense to turn away, to stop the movie, neglect to check the basement...
but what if hope is down there?  how can you face your life if you stop looking for it?

Monday, August 24, 2015

Hope all is rejuvenating and recalibrating in your worlds... i'm alive! And kids go back soon so i'll be back in a bit-more to the world. . .

Friday, June 5, 2015

terribly good.

i'm terribly good at saying no to myself.  terribly.  one would almost think its some sort of contest - my will against my what? my flagrant success? my sinful, wanton needs?  shoot, man.  self-abnegation is certainly not the american way, and it certainly doesn't seem to be lending itself to any peace, i can tell you that.  great, so i abstain from alcohol, i abstain from night-time meetings, i abstain from sex, it seems, although that one is not so much by choice but by circumstance. . . i abstain from spending money... when i am low i actively stay away from all things that might possibly be an actual benefit to my psyche.  - there are chocolate covered pretzels in the cabinet- full disclosure-
i can't even figure out anymore what it is that i want to say yes to.  what are the things that i want in life? to feel ?  most of my desires center around the kids, what i want for them, what i'd like to feel for them, what i'd like them to experience if they get the chance... so much so that when i get my minutes free and i've read the books, then i'm at a loss what to do- the laundry is running, the dishwasher is flooding, and i'm sometimes certain there is nothing left to do but socially network, and even that? not so good at it, just reading, not sharing. . . i think the point of it is to share, but i'm not so much with the sharing these days.
the walnut heart is taking its toll.
you've heard this before.  here's newstuff. but not really, since there is nothing new under the sun, and i buy into that one wholeheartedly. (nut-heartedly)
my mom is having a hysterectomy this coming week, to try to remove cancer by removing the whole kit.  and that is lurking on me... emotionally and logistically as i try to prepare to have her recovery take place in this 'family life'.

i miss my dad a lot because cancer is scary and he'd be doing all the stuff that i am, and more comfortingly for my mom, more privately, more assuredly.

the marriage is tricky and we're trying to work on it, which is scary, and isolating and heart-hurty.

the kids seem fine, much is needing to get done before the summer begins in two weeks.  much will not get done.

 i'm trying.


Monday, May 11, 2015

Fear and Laundry, these United States. . .

WE're so totally first world, right?  WE're so completely luxurious and privileged and our streets ARE paved in gold. Have you SEEN the grocery stores around here?! good lord, twelve hundred ketchup bottles in every single one.

We've got Freddy Gray, we've got Mike Brown, we can't breathe, we have to be reminded that all lives matter, but black ones too. We have crazy states that believe they are under attack and Walmart has to get involved.  Fear at the roots? WE demand the Pledge of Allegiance but only if God is included. WE don't seem all that clear on the separation of church and state. Our children's schools are floundering with the little money and the over-reliance on fill in the box learning.  The politicians have stopped talking about the Middle Class because they can't recognize who that might be.  Politicians don't send their kids to public schools, don't send their kids to fight in wars. . . is this what money buys? Money has the most sway it has in any generation of American history, ever.  We still find ways to blame the poor for this.  Lets drug test 'em.  Lets also take away their ability to choose their own food.  How many prescription drug addicts do you think sit in Congress?
in congress, together. . . making plans for how to spend all that crazy tax money. . . journalism that doesn't exist anymore, what with its entertainment/profit measures. . .

today is depressing.  I'm going to do some more laundry and hang it on the line and make the decision to love that i make so often, and although I'm on my own with the laundry line, and the dewed grass on my feet, I can only make the smallest choices for my smallest homestead, in my smallest way, I'm still going to do the laundry, I'm still going to have my short-reaching goals: the laundry, the overnight, the school play... tiny, littles...

Thursday, May 7, 2015


try and fight it. you cannot. i know. because i am a devotee of the resistance arts, and i know.  the world is greening up again.