i might need to be medicated.
1. i can't get in touch with chakra carol and so i'm convinced that she has died because death is all i can see around me, the futility of life in the face of it, the inevitability of isolation.
2. wine does not work.
3. i am not a good time girl.
4. i literally barked at my husband in cynicisitic rage. no, i don't think that is a word either.
5. losing my faith has made me feel more lonely than I ever would have believed.
6. tigerscouts is rolling around again. shit. caucophony, is all i can say.
7. is being medicated like going through life a little stoned? i always said i didn't want to get through that way but i am worried my anxiety is growing into something unmanageable.
8. i can even be anxious on a beach. and that is sort of heartbreaking.
9. i'm scared of women. don't care much for men, as a general rule. but boy, i am intimidated by women.
10. today's dinner is supported by a new store i discovered, after following numerous rumors. hello, bags and bags of frozen soups. ( and a bread, and a bean and cheese quesadilla for the one who won't eat anything else.)
11. laundry ad more laundry and then more.
wanted to end at eleven, so did.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
i might need to be medicated.
Posted by wifemotherexpletive at 4:05 PM
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Last night was the informational night for the cubscouts. The middle is deep in thrall to all things 'turtle' and was told that they look for turtles and so now i believe i am conscripted into one of the damndest levels of hell that dante skipped over. bastard.
the problem is not what i had originally thought, that i was too judgemental about skinny fathers who smell of smoke and whos kids can't run. its not. its not the class issue that i berated myself for, its not the distaste for uniforms, social order based on hierarchy, 'family-building' which happens outside the family, splitting the family up for one night a week.
its these things:
1. 6:30 at night, for an hour.
2. little or no 'control' of kids behavior. They sit for 30 minutes doing an 'activity' and then they run. i love my kid to have fun, i love it. but at 7:30? i'm almost dead at this time, and i need to keep all things quiet and calm.
2. a large cavernous church hall is impossible to hear anything in and i need a decompression chamber in order to calm myself afterward. seriously, last night i was in tears when i got home because i don't know how i am going to contribute to the social life of my middle. he gets shafted out of so many things. i say it really really rarely, but yesterday i said ' i just want to hear'. . . it would make this shit a whole lot easier to handle if i could hear the parents and grownups around me and converse like a normal person. its almost like i'm the only person speaking creole in the room and so i'm lost. its heartbreaking and it would be easier if i wore a sign. ALMOST DEAF. APPROACH WITH CAUTION. (or compassion, whichever comes easier.)
2. lots of twos.
2. I've got the toddler with me, like i did when the eldest tried this out. this means it is a total and complete waste of time for me to be there and yet i am supposed to be there all the time to promote the 'bond'.
3. i don't like the quotes and statistics that they put up on the board about how noone gets scholarships and scouts keeps kids off drugs. i know noone gets scholarships but that isn't why kids play sports, right? and PLAY is the operative word. AND i think drugs and the role they play in our future is not up to us as much as we think. we all do our talks and love our kids and stay involved with them, and keep our fingers legs and toes crossed. because we all know how it can go. so we cross them starting yesterday.
4. i don't want to ask hubsJ to do this, because he is already doing a soccer practice directly beforehand and would then be overstretched.
oh my god. uniforms.
(my kid LOVES this part. costume.)
(really nice people, yes, some REALLY nice people. some of them i have met in situations where i could actually HEAR them so i know they are nice, good, eggs.)
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Janes Addiction cues here:
as a matter of fact... when i like somethiiiing and i don'wanna pay for it....
i get it, just like that... from
we have an overload of books, and i mean roomload of overload. and so in place of writing here or anywhere, i have read. the kids have still been fed, but some errands are taking weeks to complete rather than a day, and that is what that is...
i read the lord of the rings trilogy. i did. and i want to know desperately about the entwives. where the hell are they?
i think i have a tree complex. i also want to know a whole lot more about Groot, from Guardians of the Galaxy. he is the only reason i made it through that movie, which lots of other people seemed to like, even barbara streisand liked it... good lord.
i've read the paper. yes, digitally, but still.
i've read a book called 'White Bird Flying', by Bess Aldritch, which is really dated, but showcases a young Nebraskan writer who choses to marry rather than pursue the 'big life' of a writing career and inherited money. hmm. BUT, it is definitely a midwest beauty book, changing times, sentimentality about dugout living and pioneer skills as well as dropdead love for landscape. and sometimes i need to be reminded that this here that I am doing, this 'homelife' is the biggest 'biglife' that there is.... and no problems that are here won't be found in all the other places in the world. and dropdead landscape is something i really go for.
(the toddler has hit the twos, and my nerves are being pinched, i tell you. but she still naps for a large chunk of the middle of the day, if i do things right, hence the reading. )
so, that was a four book check-in... i hear there is a louise penney book on its way to me from my mom, so that'll be my next lovedrop.
i hope you're all well... i do, i do. i'm sort of on lockdown emotionally, so i find it hard to come here as i don't know what i'm offering exactly.... but a drop has been made!
take care, have care,
Thursday, September 4, 2014
*If the sun rising is the only promise we are given... what then?
*All the shells on the beaches, with the broken hinges? are those wings lost at sea?
*the kids are off at school, how do i feed myself without a witness? and i mean it literally, food-wise, and figuratively, spirit-wise.
*some people say fear is a real motivator. not me. its a damn refrigerator in my path.
*tomato worms are a complete travesty of design. i love me some brachonid wasps and i feel guilty for it. (this is a gardener talking.)
*i have written in my journal lately, and it seems that i can still be thoughtful. took me a while.
*i don't even include my almost-two year old with my 'kids', most of the time. she is separate, somehow. gender, age, ability, expectation, etc. Wonder what will become of that...
*seagulls can feel threatening.
*salt is best when it comes on the air.
*schoolbuses make the best noises.
*started the community website. have been distracted. want to look? www.welovewestport.net
Monday, August 25, 2014
Funeral services give you a little glimpse into a family, a life you only knew in bits and pieces, shows so much that you didn't know. When a life is well-lived, funeral becomes celebration and thanks, and it is a miracle that in all millennia, we have only learned and figured how to gather, hold hands and sing... to help us all through this darkwinternight of loss. . .
a high school friend's mother died, and were it not for her attendance at my dad's wake, i might have passed it by, in my coldness... but she and her mother and father all attended, and i mark that in some deeper way, and am weary and so full of sorrow to share grief with her so soon.
and being so far from it now, months out of the shock, into the longevity of the thing... i am humbled over and over, an out-of-control tumble... into how much of life we take for granted. and how, with time, you can convince yourself so deeply that you have got it all 'taken care of'. we spend an awful lot of time lying to ourselves here, i bet it is almost a universal, but i guess it is true that i can only speak for myself. some time after my dad died, hubsJ commented that we are all such pathetic creatures, so wretched, that we can't see the joy and value of what we have until it is taken from us.
i've known for a few weeks that i need to sit down and write out what will be my list of desires and dreams for the future of me. and i can't. i can't seem to see beyond my own nose, beyond my own skin. there are some who might mistake this for some wacky 'mindfulness' notion, but i can firmly set you straight, at least about me. i'm completely scattered, completely awash in incredulity, grief, disappointment and some fury as well. i'm swampwater, baby.
and so, sometimes i can share the grief of another family, another loss, and in the distance of my gaze, i got nothing to give but the sharing. and so, since my self-judgement is spiralling all out of control, i need to sit down and make a list, and a number one priority should be defense against the darkarts of the self-judgement. (and number two? better hair.) heh.