Wednesday, April 16, 2014

fluster, now. and hope, despite myself.

it is spring. it snowed last night, it is cold outside, the wind calls for a coat, even.  . . but i did my morning walk around the yard and everything is still alive, like it always is.  honestly, spring is what keeps me alive, its the internal fester and boil of the soul, come to rest and progress and growth . 
how amazing the world is.
how amazing.

ah. i'm still hiding, dealing with my own resistances and disbeliefs and so on and so forth.  but i remember now the balm of walking outside, grubbing hands in the dirt, scratches from the brambles.  and thats all so damn good.

i lay in the boys bed with my husband last night, the middle, 6 year old boy, rolled over us, making us a flattened love pancake 'so it would stay forever'.  my 8 was on the floor reading and the girlie was wandering to and fro.  it was one of those times when you know it would be allright if you left right then, that everything would be okay... and blissful, it was blissful.  ( i don't mean the morbidity, but just to suggest that giving them and me that one memory, makes everything allright, its all good. )

i moved around our indoor plants, window changing, light allowing... watching the seedlings like a hawk circling my chickens...

my hands are dry, cracked, all my nails are different lengths, and most are a bit dirty. i am wrinkly.  my son told me the top of my head was white.  i can't figure out how to look up there and see for myself.  it may be time to get my hair cut. 

a woman i like invited our whole family for dinner. i'm afraid she has made a mistake. it would be nice to be wrong.

agh. its cold out. i might go open a window, i might turn on the pellet stove.  i can't decide.  there is a ball game tonight,  might be perfect.


Monday, April 14, 2014


i did submit a letter to an editor.  the town firechief saw it and tweeted it.  ( i use the term but don't exactly understand its ramifications, okay? so if i do something wrong with it, just give me a break. ) So someone stopped HubsJ at the ball practice to ask if his wife was Kate and to tell him they liked the letter, because they got the tweet. so, i'm famous. just wanted you to know.  it was a good letter. . . but today, i spent the day indoors on a blustery day because i've realized that all the first responders in the town who were here the day my dad had his heart attack know me.  i knew one of them, andy, because his kid was in my kid's class in preschool.  but there were so many people here... and i can't remember any faces... don't know any names... and now i want to throw up.
there isn't anything wrong with the relationship between first responders and the people they witness, it is a real one, an intimacy that doesn't go away i think.   but i'm just hanging out at home today, and when the paper comes out and all the people who don't twit/tweet/twat get to read it, i'll stay home that day too... except for baseball practice, when i'll force everyone not on a team to stay in the car.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

To the Voters who Always Vote No.

To the Voters in my Town Who Always Vote NO,

Hi.  I live in the Northernmost tip of this town, on the most beautiful street I have ever lived on, less than a minute from the town nextdoor.  I'm a newbie here, but I grew up one town over, in the North as well.  My kids go to school here, and will through high school because my mom and my mother-in-law were both teachers and I was raised with a great deal of respect for  the labor of love that was their work.   This town here, that I love, even as a newcomer, is falling to pieces.  Locally, people sigh and grimace when they talk about town politics.  Parents and confused newcomers like myself do not understand.  I've heard it blamed on the elderly, on fixed incomes.  Is that true?
Maybe we don't know what happened ten years ago? Maybe it doesn't seem relevant to us? Maybe.  Maybe I'd just like my kid to be able to learn Spanish or Portuguese in Middle School like I did.  (I took French.  not that useful to me, but thats in the past now... I think I had dreams of Paris in my little 12 year-old head)

We've now had two opportunities to vote for overrides since I've been here, maybe three. Each time? No.  The teachers are pleading, the selectmen are pleading, superintendents are telling you you're getting a substandard education, highway supervisors are begging for equipment, but still ?  No.  We're talking about less than 200 bucks over the course of the year, for most people.  less than a dollar a day.

What is going on here? Is this some new townwide 'philosophy of No' that I haven't caught on to? Angry pennypinchers? I read through all the comments on that big MasterPlan Survey that went out last year and so many people were worried sincerely that the Town was going to change.   Well, it is changing, certainly.  It is a laughingstock.  Its schools are becoming subpar.  Most who can afford it send their kids to the surrounding Catholic High Schools.  Saying No does not prevent change.  In our case, voting No is bringing the change in faster.  Great, our taxes are really low.  You get what you pay for, right?  Maybe the town will just disband.  That's cheapest, right?  All of the neighboring towns are bigger and more successful at governing themselves than we are, so lets do it.  Just give up.  Shout out the NO!  Lets make sure we do it in the name of debt reduction, otherwise people might think we don't love our town, that voting No is more satisfying than a healthy Town Hall, strong Fire and Police Departments, working plows.  (all of which serve the WHOLE town, stem to stern) ...

GAH!!!! -  should i fix it up, send it to a paper?! GAHHHHHHH.... my town, my town, what are you doing? ....

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Stuff I keep wanting to make into facebook statuses, but feel too awkward...

*i'm a yo-yo type evidently, or a pendulum swinger... of the non-libidinous sort... i go back and forth, swing up and down, all around... about bigs and littles, all the time. i love you, i hate you, and then there is all that time in between, when i just don't care.

*stripper shoes are stripper shoes. don't kid yourself.  kim kardashian is a stripper. stop it. it doesn't matter how much 'fun' you think the shoes are... you look like a stripper.  if thats okay, then fine. just own it.

* dark nights of the soul are no damn fun.

*all you negative people are stupid.

* i just hate reality tv. (unless it is clothing related...) why are all the plastic surgeons making everyone look bloated ?  i mean, this is now A LOT of people.. is this a standard of beauty? fishlips?

*moderation is my middle name, and lately i have seen what a loss it has been.

*i have nothing against strippers.

*it seems like the world is seeing a winnowing, and that freaks me out.  so very much.

*conspiracy theorists are really delusional.  right?

*phone etiquette has been completely lost.  i mean you, you and you.

*why does what makes sense to me seem so aggressive and repressive and crazy to others? choice in vaccination? choice in medicine? education which is a class-equalizer? freedom of speech? government which is for and of and by the people and not for and of and by a company?

*i'm incredibly lazy.  i feel it.  you should know it.

Monday, March 31, 2014

tiny tiny, but lots and lots... blades of grass=meadows...

there are hundreds upon hundreds of tiny decisions that we make everyday.  to spin off and make the bed? carry the laundry up now? wait til the baby goes down? read books or sew the quilt blocks? why did 'miss lucy' do such a shite job knowing what the baby wanted? why did she name him 'tiny tim'- seems like a bad choice, somehow. ... walk to the window to watch the chickens? put the green paint on the canvas? start the laundry? make those brownies? buy the brownies?  take the pasta aisle or the soda aisle? unload the rest of the groceries immediately or wait til the boys get home? address the boy's fighting or let them resolve it themselves?
so many. all the dang time. most of the time, without thinking. . .
but the big ones?

*do i want more people to read here? (all 3 of you !! are fantastic ((really)) but sometimes i pine for some comments to spur me on some more..) do i really want that? why the hell would anyone share something i wrote on fb? i have literally no idea. . . but i put it up there because a blogsite told me to.
whats my 'niche' anyhow? gross, blugh, shudders. 
*how do i get more humor into my life? how do i shut down my carping and let out the goodnaturedness that i swear i really do have? i'd sure like moving through this life if i were a bit lighter on a regular basis...
*if i'd like to paint more, why am i so resistant to a class?
*if i'd like to write more, why is my journal dusty?
*if i think meditation is incredible and life-changing, why don't i ?
*why won't i exercise, damnit?
*how do i figure out my new position in the world, now that my dad has gone and my mom needs more companionship? how do i take a more central role when my whole body wants to isolate itself?
why am i jealous of people with wider social networks when i finish sentences with the above phrases?

answers? actions? whut.
i suppose its a rut. again. but i am tired to death of it. and completely inactive in my bigger choices, which is all sorts of frustrating.  i feel pretty damn boring in my explanations to myself. TO MYSELF.  gah . . .