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Monday, March 8, 2010

decisions decisions

My last post was all full of whine and need. It was substantial, expressed something real and worrisome to me and it has caused me to do a little bit of re-thinking. When I first started the blog-thing, I was doing it just to get the hair off my chest about my current life situation with womanhood and motherhood and the fabulous hellions that I am in charge of 'raising'... I wasn't concerned so much about who was going to read it or if I was preserving some sort of private space for myself or blaghblah. BUT lately, I have felt a pressure to write so that I can stay connected, so that someone 'out there' will know who I am on the inside... and I do have those people, there IS a community of women who read this who like me, REALLY like me. heh. There are two men who read it also, as far as I know, one is my husband and he has to- although he likes me, sometimes... and the other is a friend from nursery school who clearly, forgives anything.
But these women, you, what are we doing here? What is this the expression OF?
Are we writing as an exercise in writing? practice at clarity, how to express emotion/voice through type? Are we writing as a explanation to family and friends of our current lives- what we are sometimes living through with our children? our bodies? our husbands? mates? What of extension of personality- spreading the 'kate' around... ?
thats my name, kate... don't wear it out... :) its even better when you know the whole thing. I completely lucked out on the marriage/name game.
Are we looking for the fame we thought we had finally given up on? Am I Trying to be popular? now?
So- in defense against my lesser proclivities... I took the statcounter bar off my blog... I'm not going to check and see who has read my blog, from where and how many pages of my writing they read when they visited... I am going to read the comments I get and try and respond if I don't have my head in the laundry machine... and thats all. I am simplifying, reading my friend's blogs and knowing that they'll read my ramblings and comment every once in a while...
I'm also giving away all the clothes I haven't worn since before the babies. I don't need professional clothing and I am sure it doesn't fit anymore. I still have my favorite yellow silk pants that I got for my first interview when I was in my twenties. We are making decisions here, no more baggage, no more packing it up and moving it along...
just empty hangers, space.

6 comments:

amyontheroad said...

why am i doing this (when i'm actually doing this)? all of the reasons you mentioned. and when i'm not doing this, i suppose it's because the things i would be writing about would make me appear weaker or less popular or uglier than i like to think of myself. the vulnerability in your blog is one of the major contributing factors to me writing mine. i talk a lot about letting people know me, but i stop short of being REALLY known. your openness and honesty make you my fucking blogHERO. and often make me cry, too. you rock.

D&d said...

you should check out another mom blog I like a lot- "the underwear drawer." she is pretty cool too. she's not a stay at home mom but a work out of the home one, and it's interesting how universal our experience is, actually.

Jen said...

I've been playing it cool for a few days. Pondering these exact same thoughts. Worried I'm wasting my time for unknown reasons. I like you. I don't even know you! I had a disappointing moment where I thought my blog is exactly who I am and I was kind of hoping I could formulate some other personality when I started it. I could be that super creative craft blogger, that woman who has the lovely home and can photograph it perfectly....that blogger. I am who I am (cheesy, yes) I can't even fake someone else. The Oscar does not go to me. It's okay, I like me. But, but, I dig your blog. I enjoy reading it because I sense honesty. I appreciate that, it's important. Don't unplug totally. I would miss you.

Still Life With Coffee said...

Excellent post. I often ask myself why I have a blog and really it is mostly because I love to write and it is just plain fun. It's a definite bonus when people (like you) leave nice comments. It's extra incentive to keep writing and we all need that. We all also need to read that there are others out there who feel the same way we do. Blogs have given me that. I'm enjoying getting to know you and your blog. :-)

Viv said...

This is going to be a shorter comment than I long to write about this, because I am playing mad catch-up, but...

Blogging is beautiful to me. It allows me to interact with people in a way that I feel comfortable with. I am a shy, introverted person IRL. Blogging lets me reach out without feeling uncomfortable about it. My blog is many things, it is a journal of my time with my young children. It is a way to vent so I don't explode. It is a place to record anecdotes and other things that I don't want to forget, but, haven't bothered storing properly.

Most of all, when a blog speaks to me, it is because the person writing it, speaks to me. If I got out of the house and actually tried to meet other mothers, it wouldn't be half as rewarding as making friends through blogging. I couldn't meet, in my geographical location, a tenth of the people who make me feel connected, who make me smile, laugh and cry with them. Blogging with honesty and integrity, subtracts the bullshit and gives little glimpses of the real us...ones we would never give to the 'new' neighbor who drops by...because with her I'm having coffee on the porch, as there is no way in hell I'm going to let her see the real us...not yet. ;)

Anonymous said...

Well... that's amazing but to be honest i have a hard time understanding it... wonder how others think about this..