Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
andwithout and within...
photos by four year old C.
Posted by wifemotherexpletive at 9:32 AM
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
I've kept a red bottle of some sort of drinkmix, leftover from one of Russell's summer visits, forever. Its tiny, its color is fabulous and I've always wanted to see just what I see up there. . . a red glimmer sun spot. a cardinal. My husband pointed it out the other day and I ran to get the camera.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I tried to buy a dress --on this day of my in-laws kidsitting... it was just like bathing suit shopping and I think I am in the middle ages, too old for the juniors and too young for the womens... and so I have noticed the skin beneath my chin. . .
it is probably time to jump off a bridge. the once/twice yearly despair binge hit while rocking the two year old to sleep last night. that bleak moment wherein one says 'its actually going to be like this forever, isn't it? '...
headaches. baths in the middle of the day when the kids are awake and presumably okay...and yet, what i have been living has not been so.
J and I took the boys to a ballet of Pippi this weekend. how damn cool was that? I was so proud of it, it kept me from the sugar all day Sunday. demon sugar. like crack for the stay at homer.
am i homer?
and i've been in the sun all day, found an ACTUAL quilting shop and actually drooled. i had to hide in the back room and giggle and wipe my eyes dry before I spent my 12 dollars on fabric.
then i got wendy's on the way home, more skin for the neck, i guess...
I am not feeling healthy, am not feeling spring, am looking at the sun and the crocuses and resenting them for their intrusion.
so there. take that. bathing suit shopping. neckfat. thirtysix in june. thirtysix. neckfat?!
Monday, March 15, 2010
its been raining for about a week here and everything has become a struggle. all of it. I am tired of the struggle of relationships, tired of children trying to sleep on my ear or in my nose. literally. I am considering moving out of my bedroom to give them more room. I'll move into the living room and just sprawl to my heart's content on the sofa. what is my heart's content? where the hell is it?
I am going to miss winter, although it may not even be gone, it is certainly in its death throes here. I love the certainty that I feel in keeping my kids warm, I am so certain that turtlenecks prevent colds that I would lay down my dignity and go on oprah to say so. . .
The darkness for dinner is warm and comforting, the food is bulky and nourishing in so many ways. The snow is fun and watchable in all its stages. I am going to miss it, even while spinning in the spring.
once it stops raining.
evidently, i am not the cool girl who digs dancing in the rain anymore. she is still there but hiding in the closet with all those clothes I have yet to pack up and haul out.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
this here, this right here... this is what I have made in the past two years. This writing, these photos, have kept me feeling like I am making something. I have created something. something outside of a to-do list, outside of sustenance for children and husbands... And that is what I have come up with in this internal debate about why to do it at all. In this past week wherein I have stopped looking to see 'who is reading' and spent a bit more time doing everything else in life, its been pretty nice... I've been using the things I've written about as jumping off points- they don't seem to be entirely self-sufficient entities all on their own, like those 'angel cards' of my teens... you flip one over and make it your thought for the day... say things like 'perserverence' and 'charity' and 'integrity' and so on... I loved them and Chakra Carol actually has them in her dr. room...
SO- i've been thinking about how Mother has been integrated into my self-identity (or at least, the process has begun in earnest) , how I do make lots and lots of things, how Humor is my baseline and how easy it is to forget to laugh...
I love intelligent people . and I know how little that has to do with time spent in school.
I love onions. still and always.
I love my body and the people who love my body. :)
I love fabric. soft fabric. I even like to say it... fabric. sounds german or swedish... yah?
I love my house and the colors it contains.
I care for people whom I have never met, genuinely. It is strange but true.
I love sleeping without children on my head, or nearby, or with no pee smell on the sheets, I love sleeping without vomit towels on the bed with me... I like sleeping for 10 minutes with the kids and then dropping their comatose little bodies somewhere else. . . ANYWHERE else.
and sometimes I even love the imperfectness of my perfect life. sometimes.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Posted by wifemotherexpletive at 2:55 PM
Monday, March 8, 2010
My last post was all full of whine and need. It was substantial, expressed something real and worrisome to me and it has caused me to do a little bit of re-thinking. When I first started the blog-thing, I was doing it just to get the hair off my chest about my current life situation with womanhood and motherhood and the fabulous hellions that I am in charge of 'raising'... I wasn't concerned so much about who was going to read it or if I was preserving some sort of private space for myself or blaghblah. BUT lately, I have felt a pressure to write so that I can stay connected, so that someone 'out there' will know who I am on the inside... and I do have those people, there IS a community of women who read this who like me, REALLY like me. heh. There are two men who read it also, as far as I know, one is my husband and he has to- although he likes me, sometimes... and the other is a friend from nursery school who clearly, forgives anything.
But these women, you, what are we doing here? What is this the expression OF?
Are we writing as an exercise in writing? practice at clarity, how to express emotion/voice through type? Are we writing as a explanation to family and friends of our current lives- what we are sometimes living through with our children? our bodies? our husbands? mates? What of extension of personality- spreading the 'kate' around... ?
thats my name, kate... don't wear it out... :) its even better when you know the whole thing. I completely lucked out on the marriage/name game.
Are we looking for the fame we thought we had finally given up on? Am I Trying to be popular? now?
So- in defense against my lesser proclivities... I took the statcounter bar off my blog... I'm not going to check and see who has read my blog, from where and how many pages of my writing they read when they visited... I am going to read the comments I get and try and respond if I don't have my head in the laundry machine... and thats all. I am simplifying, reading my friend's blogs and knowing that they'll read my ramblings and comment every once in a while...
I'm also giving away all the clothes I haven't worn since before the babies. I don't need professional clothing and I am sure it doesn't fit anymore. I still have my favorite yellow silk pants that I got for my first interview when I was in my twenties. We are making decisions here, no more baggage, no more packing it up and moving it along...
just empty hangers, space.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I've never had a serious problem with my body image. I don't think too much about it, never weigh myself unless I'm pregnant and don't look in the mirror unless I am brushing my teeth. I HAVE fluctuated between a size 12 and a size 4 and I'm now sort of hovering in the 8 range.... but I am downright sexy.
on my insides, on good days, I am a venerable pin-up, regardless of what color corduroy I am sporting- or how much turtleneck action there is...
I learned this past year how little I am a pinup on the outside, and it threw me all out of wack. I was shocked! I think I gave up so long ago on being the 'put together' pretty girl that I have just given it ALL up, now. All I need is for my husband to want to get me naked... and he obliges. . .
I am much more comfortable being naked, when it comes to sexiness... all that hemline, waistline damage is just too much. the body gets all chopped to pieces and curves get all cut in half and please, arcs are fine, but not when foreshortened.
even my baby belly is smooth and part of my curvatures when I'm not trying to manipulate it into something it is not. for chrissakes I have had TWO babies. enough!
My husband dreams of my wearing skintight jeans, a deep v-neck sweater (preferably red) and lots of gold dangling into the cleavage. really. well.
All my sexiness is on the inside, however... and not every day... and clearly, not tied to how much actual sex i currently have.
when i was younger, i had a tremendous amount of sex. enough to make you blush. really. with lots and lots of people, some of whom I have now completely forgotten. I apologize for your blush... I have no blush left in me.. whew...
Part of the problem with that pinup photo shoot that I did was that I felt so damn awkward and it was only afterward when I took off all that pinchy stuff and put my big oxford shirt back on that I felt so damn sexy.
So much of sexiness has to do with the internal, don't you think? at least, for women...
men, on the other hand, seem to go for t&a... as a male friend says, like an old car, you like what you like and you decide what problems you can live with...
Posted by wifemotherexpletive at 10:51 AM
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
click on 'jah' and you get some serious goodness.
I don't like to cook, I really don't. The whole mixup is no good for me. I think, the truth is, that I am a perfectionist in the kitchen and that means it is unenjoyable. Who wants to fail all the time? Plus, the kids have hit the ages of no-eating, unless it is a hamburger, frenchfries, or a chicken nugget... preferably with a toy nearby... and so I am screwed. My husband does cook and loves to cook and makes incredibly ornate and complicated things with ease and excellent results. So- he does Thursday, Friday and Saturday, the nights he is home.
I only like to cook if I know that it is going to be fabulous... damnit.
so i don't try too many new things you see. Last night I did... I've been looking into batch cooking, so I make enough at one meal to freeze and then I get a night where all I have to do is thaw, and no cooking for me is a very good night...
So I made sweet potato black bean burritos.
I used black beans instead of kidney beans as i truly hate kidney beans. TRULY. You make up a bean mash with spices - I changed it up as the chili factor had to be altered for my kids...and then mix it up wiht the chunks of sweet potato and get it all cheesy-like. holy hell.
EVERYONE loved it. toddlers and fouryearold devilgoat boy alike...
now. for chrissakes, now.