Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween... and a wunder...

I've got a lion and a werewolf in the house today, and trying to get them off to school is like to kill me. schoolbuses out of costume do not take werewolves and all. go figure.
and I sortof bailed on homemade decorations, and even paid an exorbitant amount for shipping (which wasn't even the postal service that i love and long for daily! damn.) ... i love me the postoffice.  internetwise, i always choose it.... but i have a boy whose lion costume will make him happy for a whole year, and i love to look at him in it so there is that. i love lions. and the werewolf? a kit costume with a whole new head/hat that isn't scary and is warm, because I just can't believe what scary stuff there is for kids out there... the kid is goddamned six and thinks he's a freaking werewolf sometimes.   why the horror? has the whole country lost its innocence?  noone can come up with a costume that doesn't come from a movie? i know, a conversation all played out. i know. but still ! (arms raised, hair straight up and crazy eyes... )
the kids broke somethings i liked yesterday. yes, plural. and i took a bath to soothe myself and had to take my glasses off to avoid seeing how crappily dirty the tub is. so this morning, i have cleaned it. but yesterday, after the bath i had to leave the house to avoid the broken and the dirty and i tried to go out and shop.  what a hopeless task. on a crisp fall afternoon, i got me some cotton underwear. ah. dudes. i'm a lucky girl.
and also, the gig is up.
Tomorrow is November and if i do the Noblopopo craziness, then i would have to start writing every day for the month and that would be my third time doing so, and while i would love to have done it for three years straight, i feel a dirth of material, if that is how one spells dirth.
since there is really no lack, what does it mean for me? i would wonder about it, if i could dig up the energy. It is clearly a low energy time for me. probably a damn menstruation coming on. Perhaps I should make an abundantly honeyed cup of tea.  !   Maybe it would be a good exercise (again) in setting up a ritual for myself as we enter these times of ritual.
but hey, i spelled 'wonder' with a 'u' up there. its halloween, everything is spelled bootacularly, and we lurve it. right?
so my wonder is this: do? or do not do? or give it a halfassed whoop?
one of the new cats has diarhea.  abundance!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Good Goddamn

I'm tired of reading so much anger about the protestors down on Wall STreet. so tired. I've read things about how priviledged they are, how misguided, how 'entitled', how hypocritical they are with their computer stations and $100 shoes and yogamats and all that.  and it still doesn't change a goddamned thing. what the majority of the country SHOULD be angry about is not the dreads, or the yoga or the twitter flutter, but the ways in which the american dream has been sold.  It is just simply this, it is no longer enough to work your hardest and try to better yourself, you can't do it... the system is rigged.  It doesn't mean we have to lie down and cry about it, but this country of immigrants and hardworkers should certainly have something to say about it.   you are on the shoulders of a larger system and someone is sitting on yours and everyone is bending over to clean some crud off their shoes and so we all fall down.

Financial Corporations, Health Insurance Industries, Pharmaceuticals, Lawmakers/Lawbreakers, lobbyists, Food Processing Processessssss...  the whole world of factory farming is set up and dependent upon us all eating fast food.  so go get more. and more.  and all of the individuals at all of the levels making choices are responsible.  Grab, Grab, More More...noone will notice if i take a second piece? right?  and we all are part of that, because none of us has done anything and now look where we are.
so what're you gonna do about it?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Guess what the opposite of lack is?


Today I have an abundance of cat sht on the reading room chair. really, i do. And the abundance is that I have two cats, new to me this week, and they are learning their sea legs under my care. Perhaps this extra poop in my day will help me decide about having a new baby, which will produce a prodigious amount of poop, for which I will also needs be, do launder and remake beds and so on and so forth.

I am extremely tired and have an anger-hangover, as is my bent.  Last night I was extremely livid (redundant? can one be livid in anything but an extreme way?) and dealing with it in isolation, as HubsJ was elsewhere.  While this is a genetically-achingly-familiar phenomenon, I have been trying to work through it for a very long time and the hangovers are fierce, because I spend a whole lot of time with the self-berating inner voice completing the task of beating myself to smithereens for my current life.  oh, patterns, you really got me going.
And the abundance is? I am safe, I ride the wave of anger like a rockstar, surf style, I am not a child anymore, no one is hurt, its over right now, and I find the space to bless the source of anger and to bless my children and myself and to imagine myself and the anger as finished. finished. handled. FINISHED!
it can be a joyful prayer, to envision life and its waves being peaceful, teeming but peaceful, maybe even exciting, happy and fun. not in some far distant future, but right now.
Who doesn't want more joy?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Forcefield of 'Shove Off'... I have one, do you?

Otherly titled: Things I have noticed about myself lately and I cannot believe I am 37 years old, still.

*I have to expose yet another personality troublespot that I've noticed lately, my physical incapability to sit close to someone that I have anger/confusion for... do i have a repellent barrier? a forcefield of 'shove off'? I do.
*I also realized just this month that people can actually see me.  Yes, Yes, its true.  All those years and all those people that I was watching? oh yes, they saw me.  Some  of them wondered about me and why I was so quiet, some of them glanced away, some of them thought I was a snootyone. . . but dude. I JUST realized that this month.  and I am not even kidding you. I don't know what caused it or how it slowly made its way to my consciousness, but it is most definitely a calling out.  If, in fact, it IS TRUE that they have seen me ... then ALL of the times that I have looked away or turned without calling out to them or introducing myself... they have seen that too.  I can't imagine what it must have been like. 
*I am considering AGAIN the impending doom of my ability to be pregnant.  and I don't know what to do about it.seeing people with babies is hurting a little bit. but not seeing people with one year olds, or two year olds. hm.  AGAIN.

oh, and thats it. does any of it fit into a 'lack' question of faith? hm. well, the pregnancy question is difficult because i am currently in hot pursuit of prophylactics in 'loving' and so am actively not trying to get me a baby. so, there is no lack because i am blocking the pass. yay me.  what? i don't know either.
as for the 'my god, people see me?' wackiness, i think perhaps getting older and seeing the multitudes of experiences makes for a better vision. less projection, more introspection? hmmm.
shove off forcefield? i should probably just spit out all the anger/confusion and sit tight with the physical reaction til it dissipates, yes?

working on it over here.  ...

Friday, October 21, 2011

More Lack... oh really? is it conundrum time?

HubsJ says he likes the thread of 'don't believe the lack'... but wants a sweater, more more he says, manaical as always. The pressure is intense. heh.
My youngest wants to play 'elephant punching a car' and this is the umpteenth time, it is 8 AM and I am feeling dissatisfied. (the game is not a joke. the cars are the badguys... it also has a polar bear.. ?:) I had a whole tigerscouts/boy thing meeting time earlier this week to have the house to myself (in the evening!) and I was downright pissy about wandering from place to place and my god, i can't for the life of me imagine what it'll be like when most of the time the kids are at school.  where the hell are my inner resources?  I read somewhere in the Patti Digh world that I can do a self-check at lunchtime and if I haven't done something to be proud of, then I've still got the rest of the day.  I've been trying hard, as always, most of the time... And sometimes the proudness just comes from sewing on a damn tigercub patch, you dig?  or sweeping the floor or looking at fabric in an industrious way, or playing go fish a multitude of times. or yes, 'elephant punching a car'.  even posting here is a fillerupper, although the curiousity and desire for feedback is rather a blankspace... And so mostly I've been choosing to change my perspective, to look at the small things being weighty, as they are. but there are those days, and certainly those moments, where my dissatisfaction belies my belief system.

The whole question surrounding a 'belief in lack' of the last post is not just one of faith in G-d, it can be the 'universe' or 'the way things work'... whatever floats your boat.  If I believe that the world is essentially balanced, then I also have to believe that the balance occurs continually after a series of ups and downs.  right?  believing that it is balanced and always balanced is to discount the lives that we actually experience, yes? the lives where we sometimes believe in lack. or act like it.

If I'm certain that G is watching my back, then the dissatisfaction is what? saying no to G's plan? yikes... being a recalcitrant teen in the face of THE PLAN? oh.  huh.
All the fear I have for people in my family and the crazy, life-threatening choices they are making? um, if I believe G has their back too, then what? am I just forwarding a complaint that I don't like what G's plan looks like?

I'm really not saying this is easy, or that everyone has this belief system, but for me I find it lines up with several of the things on my list.  The more I meditate, the more I try to accept things as I find them, the more I come into line with the dismissal of 'lack'.  it just ain't there. and thankfully, it is a terrible word to say, as well as type, so its loss will not hurt.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Believe in Lack?

For the longest time, Chakra Carol, or CC as I will now call her, has been saying this thing to me directly, but I've been letting it pass by because I didn't really get it and thats how I handle these things most of the time.  I assume I'm a little bit thick and things will settle in or eventually just enter my verbiage by osmosis.  And to my surprise, I think I've sort of glommed on to this one.  Its a matter of faith...
Do you believe God provides you what you need?  its basically a yes or no here.  If you believe that G does in fact, provide you and all with what is needed, then you cannot believe that you don't have enough. the two are not compatible. 
this is not an arguement for joblessness or passivity... :)
but so there. CC's language has always been, 'but do you believe in lack?' when I've been moaning about what isn't or what could be... ow what i'm upset about presently and I've always thought I've known what she meant, but now I actually know that I do, on something closing in on a molecular level.   For me it is a reminder to check myself on what exactly I do believe.  And I do believe that I have what I need.  Is it everything that I want? Sheesh, can't even begin to approach that one... but I don't care right now.  I have what I need. 
I did yoga today and my three year old insanitypackage did it with me, and that was pretty damn awesome to see and I am proud to be exposing him to that.  Did some reiki on my bad self and didn't that complete calendar screwup just make my day something valuable?  huh.  ALMOST as if I'd had a real life appointment with CC.
the yoga made me smile.
rock it.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Wolves in my hair

The fabulous six year old in my midst is a wolf ninja currently.  He is playing with legos in full costume.  I am off the list of potential meals evidently, so that is good.  Please don't get him started about werewolves, there are a whole lot of rules for werewolf behavior that are very very important... and he knows because, you see, he is one. 
`There are many times lately that I am worried for him, sometimes thrilled but worried nonetheless. The kid is a wild wound muscular thing, and much of him is a mystery to me.  Some of this i'm sure has to do with his being away from me in school all day and the switching of his 'play' to 'work', and I'm not altogether sure what to do about it, if anything.  Are my kids supposed to be anything but mysterious to me? He gets goals in soccer, something I don't think I managed ever in my slow sad career. He runs like the wind, and the snake, and the tree. It is actually beautiful to watch him go... but hard as hell to handle when his body has been cooped. He moves so fast, he's going to have trouble with reading, as he's on to the next page before he's done the one in front of his face... meaning is down, but accuracy will matter sooner or later. to him. to the story.
The younger of the boys is 'that age' as I say over and over and I just cannot begin to tell the time I spend chasing him. I cannot.
I've been doing allright, got some writing done, some meditating... slacking on the yoga and the veggie meals although we've got frozen pizza for dinner tonight and I suppose that counts if you want to be SUPER lame. I choose LAME sometimes.  I do go to see Chakra Carol again tomorrow and I'm really liking those days as I get about an hour free before I get there, so I treat myself to a healthy lunch that someone else makes and I might even shop for groceries or something that is quite the accomplishment.  She gave me two pieces of homework last time and I've only done one, so maybe i'll stay up late tonight and send myself through the illumination wringer just to satisfy my twelve year old self ... getting all my homework turned in on time. ...
wolves wolves wolves in my hair...

*can i just tell you that I was an ENTIRE WEEK off my schedule and that I can't see Carol because my appt is not til next week.  luckily, my motherinlaw babysitter was on her schedule just fine and didn't show, which means i'm home, with runnerchild, with homework done and illumination wrung... goh.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Occupiers, and other matters.

So what do YOU think about the Occupiers of Wall Street? ragtag hippies with no life that matters as Rush Limbaugh thinks? Do you want to share anything with him? creep, disgustingly Wealthy creepy liar, wonder where he puts his dollars? hm.
I admit, I wish it looked differently. I wish I were there, really, so that the American public would see a mother of two, former schoolteacher getting all pissy that the real scumsuckers of american society are living very very well, and we are not scorning them- we are being asked to continue giving them benefits and subsidies and so on and so forth.  We are making choices and allowing our politicians to make these choices without repurcussions.  we are attacking municipal plow funds, and social security, and teacher salaries, and poor people for their damned inability to stop being poor, and the lighting funds of rural communities, we are asking people to break their backs again and again, just to make a living wage. we are even being told we should lower the minimum wage. is this a government of the people? really?
and if you think it is fine, then fine. but you are making a choice in your complacency, as am i. I'm no preacher.
I wish I could hold myself up as a banner citizen, involved and activist extraordinaire. but I am trying. I am becoming much more aware of my steps and how much they DO MATTER.  what you are wearing and where it was made... MATTER.  where you shop MATTERS.  How you treat emloyees MATTERS.  what you will accept from your local businesses or bigboxes MATTERS.  how you treat your neighbors MATTERS.  what you tell yourself about those strangers MATTERS.  how you spend your money MATTERS.  if you have extra, are you helping anyone? another actual person? Buying online can harm your local business and its employees.  really. How much porn you watch MATTERS, you are part of an industry. what you eat MATTERS, the farmers in your neck of the woods wish you took more care.  what I do with my trash MATTERS.  where I choose to take my kids to lunch OR NOT,  MATTERS. 
what I joke about MATTERS.
what I write about MATTERS.

so, in essence, i don't care that half of the protesters are messy. what they are protesting is clear. so i give them a rah rah, and i get more aware.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I've been lying? is that true?

I've been telling everyone here how much I am looking forward to the first snows here.  It is a new house to me, and a wild space outside and I am so curious about how it will pan out... will the deer show themselves? Will the tracks be mysterious? Will the damn coyotes get less frightening? yowlhowls subsiding as it freezes up? Will the house be warm enough? will the 'mudroom' actually work that way? as in, actually containing the 'mud'/snow/sluckslush mix? will there be quietude? cocoa? hotcider? will there be enough rugs? will the pellet stove really work to heat this space? i'm so curious... and excited about it... and thinking about christmas lights already... warmth in the glow and the whatnot. . . :) ah... bliss....
and as always, there is a 'but'...

This boy is about to scream blo-ooh-ooody murder
because there is snow on his face.

but i just saw a photo on another blog, of a family tromping through thin snow in their boots, coats, hats, scarves, and i'm sure, double socks, longjohns, motherswears, mittens, peedisasters, and so on and so forth ... and so i decide to be glad of the lingering fall and the wild luxury of having no place to go and the days of damp cold to experiment with lighting the stove to see how it works, to have the living room at 70 degrees just with the flick of a switch... to open a window to the outside to realize it might be warmer out there... to receive packages in the mail because the maillady is willing to get out of the truck and throw them on the porch... and I am content here and now, I am.
and we have a family of wild turkeys visiting us every now and again. and i just pinch myself sometimes. it is all so different from where i was last year. so different in so many ways... so many of the struggles have come with us, but so many are gone from the world. and the spaces and the joys are overwhelming at times but here. here.

plus, I just had a cookie and the sugar is whipping the hell out of my inner puritan.  and the battle can be part of the thrill ... but that is another post.
so there.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Scrambled egg pan, I have strong feelings for you.

Most of what we use here is cast iron. For slapping upside the heads, of course, but also for cooking... and my favorite husband-made dish is scrambled eggs, primarily for the luxury of the someone-else-made-breakfast sensation, as he does like the way I make them better than his own.  But the pan, my friends, the pan can sit in the sink or on the stove for almost an entire week...uncleaned, eggy in a very masterly way. The pan has got my knickers in a twist.  The damn thing will not clean. It has been a long battle, for as long as my husband has been my husband with his damn paranoia about teflon.  um, well-rooted in weird fact, but still.  When I had my dog, I tried to let her clean out the egg before washing it in the hopes that she would get it down to its roots, but no, not even the hysterical will of a beagle to eat all things could get the pan cleaned down to its deepblack origins.  and it was sort of gross... but mind you, it sits on the counter unclean for a week so I am clearly not the arbiter of cleanliness...
Last night we had scrambled egg, bean and cheese burrito type concoctions and they were yummy and closetcleaning...and I woke up this morning by myself at 7:15 and was the only soul awake. late! alone! hallelujah ...let the choir sing madonna....  it was amazing, and today is supposed to be brilliantly sunny and 80 degrees, and I NEEDED my kitchen to be clean, so I could go outside all day and NOT have to come into clutter for any reason and so I washed the goddamn thing less than 16  hours after using it.  Just wanted to share.  If my whole family dies of salmonella one day or whatever it is that comes from old egg bits.... I want you to tell the world about responsibility but also about my clean pan... if only for one day... it was clean.

and dudes,dudettes and all the inbetweens?  we had eggs two days in a row and now the 'strong feeling' is morphing into a wild fanatical scraping of the iron with a spoon. i'm just saying that now, now i will miss part of the sunny day because of this pan, and it may be the only sunny hour for seven years.  damn. out out damn spot. out.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Peace as a great big hole.

Hey there.   I did a 'writing exercise' yesterday and while i think it was crap, it has given me fodder for today's post, which makes it all an exciting win-win.  I picked out a sentence from one of my first month's postings, and wrote about it, trying to get deeper and thicker and muckier with... both, what i meant and what it could mean.  . . . but also to just get myself writing and flowing and fun actionmama and doing something besides facebook and laundry because they are both sort of futile.  it all just goes round and round, see.
SO, the sentence i had picked out was this:  Nobody says Peace is boring. Do they? --- from December 15, 2008....
AND I went to see Chakra Carol this week and she had been to see Byron Katie (oh my god, her AGAIN?!) and Carol shared some of the sentences she loved so much ... one of them being:  Peace is disturbing. get used to it.

Right? ANyone think maybe it worthy of a blog shoutout to coincidence and noncoincidence? right.

It happens to be frighteningly cold in the house and i refuse to turn on the heat as it is just the first week of October and so my typos may be frightening as well as my fingers are seizing up. true.

so there. There seems to be this idyllic notion that peace makes everyone happy and giggly, all things solved all at once. big healthy trees and granola for all. no more bankers.  and i think, personally, that it is much more turbulent than that.  when you 'solve' or 'release' one of your burdens, a big fat hole opens up in you... all that space in you that you devoted to a drama is now open for other business and I generally have no idea how to go about 'business' and so fill it up with almonds and the occasional tantrum.  For instance, friend Russel fills me with contentment and peace, reminder of wonderful friendship and love and creativity.  And then he leaves, and I am boatrocked in my hole. 
I suppose it isn't the clearest example. 
Do you get my jist?

We are made in the image of God, so they say.  Think how unknowable that is.  And we are unknowable as well, full of spaces we don't understand, corners we can't see around.
What I think is that we are made to have these holes, to be on the lookout for how to live with them. and that ISN'T peaceful.  The search, the work... they are actions. 
sweat may be involved, or crying, or divorce, or tea.  its hard to tell. but movement IS turbulent, isn't it?

Monday, October 3, 2011

New Day

I don't' know why the post is called this, maybe i'll find out as I write, what made my fingers have hope when the rest of me is so bummed.  Just had a night with a wonderful couple of friends that made me laugh and now makes me long for so much more time. . . downright bereft is how I feel.
what i did do this week:
I did do some yoga, tried some kundalini and found myself laughing at the breathing and the new to me moves.  felt good in the body but I think I made my three year old laugh while breathing 'like a monkey' as he described it.  He was happy to have me sitting down for so long though. a good way to do yoga yesterday. . .
I did do the writing that I wanted to do, but not here and this one here is going to be a freeflow spirited away kind of blogblah entry. so there. and it will count towards my new week of intention.  it is how I handle bereft, i guess. like telling embarassing secrets just to get them off the skin. 
I did do the meditation that I wanted to do and I am counting all of the unnumbered minutes of our second family trip to the Quaker Meeting ... its just so quiet there and the congregation tiny and the space so big and simple in the most intimate of ways. I am happy to be there and daunted that as part of such a small community, there may be something expected of me... and therein lies the evil bitchy inner voice which fears and yells about expectations of me AND as I am practicing my utter disdain for said voice, I am going to just ignore it until I can let it wash through and go on its merry way. but it is not working for right now. maybe as the day progresses. 
I am glad to be getting them into a community that will enlarge as they get older, it will be good to give them this. and maybe they'll get comfortable talking to god. man, i couldn't wish that any more for them. 
So , I did accomplish a task, and maybe by lunch i will figure out something that I can do today to make me feel proud.  I would like to feel a stronger sense of worth, to look at what I 'do' and value it .  My kids are good, but they are creations of God at this point, and I"m just providing a good habitat and food.  they get good stuff here and they are good kids. so there is that.
and I just don't know what else to say, but that I am going forward, looking into the next week with a new and refreshingly similar list of things I would like to do:
3 times a week, 10 minute writes.
2 times a week, 10 minute sits.
and I'd like to add that I'd like to do 2 times a week yogas and 2 times a week, planned veggie meals.
just small steps here.